Welcome to Holy Not Happy 2026, where wives will finally, finally surrender, for the very last time, until next year, their selfish goal of being happily married, and the men will eat donuts and look forward to having more sex! It’s the feminism that causes divorce and the martyrdom that holds families together.
WITH YOUR REGISTRATION: Wives get a syllabus and discount code for 25 books on being more Christ-like. Husbands get a free porn-blocking app.
Session One: Three-ways with Jesus
Pastor/former porn star Jett Stream and his sexy helpmeet Myrrhayya will kick us off with tips on getting it on with Jesus Christ. A successful marriage is a menage-a-trois with the Lord, as each partner pursues intimacy with their personal Savior and with each other. Let’s get down and dirty with the Son of God!
Breakout sessions:
Women: How to dissociate during sex.
Men: How to have non-gay sex with Jesus.
Session Two: Men are earthenware, Women are man-ribs
Pastor/Creation scientist Mac McMackenroe and his sexy helpmeet Muffin mansplain gender differences. If it feels like you and your spouse aren’t even the same species, that’s because you aren’t! Men are handcrafted by God to be fully human, if a little grungy, while women are only TEMU humans.
Breakout sessions:
Women: Stop nagging and put out already.
Men: Sacrificially wash a dish once in a while because you might get more sex that way.
Session Three: Marriage is not a democracy and maybe nothing else should be either
Pastor/rapper Toby G explains why society should be organized in household units led by patriarchs just like in the Old South Testament. His sexy helpmeet Whisper sits quietly on the stage as God intended.
Breakout sessions:
Women: Showing your husband respect even if he is kind of a loser.
Men: Should you get a gold or platinum crown and scepter?
Session Four: Non-gay hobbies
Pastor/former Navy SEAL Jack Testosterone and his sexy helpmeet Esther-Jen talk about pursuing leisure activities that make you more heterosexual.
Breakout sessions:
Women: Making faith-themed cakes with Twinkies and banana clips.
Men: Camo and Ammo roundup.
Session Five: How to lovingly beat your children
Pastor/biblical counselor Jedidiah Beardly and his sexy helpmeet Heavensent discuss why you must spank your children with an actual shepherd’s crook (for sale in the lobby!) if you don’t want them to go to hell. Tips on inflicting pain without causing injury, evading CPS, what to do if your child hits you back, and more.
Breakout sessions:
Parents of small children: Your 6-month-old is an unrepentant criminal waiting to happen.
Parents of teens: Help, my authoritarian parenting didn’t frighten my child enough and now I am living with a feral honey badger.
Parents of adults: Dealing with estrangement without taking any responsibility for anything.
Session Six: Christ-like Money Management
Pastor/financial planner Ed Rich and his sexy helpmeet, Prosperity, help couples avoid conflict born of financial hardship with Christ-centered money management through his Christian mutual fund, which invests only in gun companies, private prisons, defense contractors, Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby, and other Christian mutual funds.
Breakout sessions:
Women: Stay smokin’ hot on a budget.
Men: How much should your wife’s allowance be?
Holly Berkley Fletcher is an author, historian, and former intelligence analyst. She was raised in Kenya by evangelical missionary parents. She earned a PhD in American history and taught in universities for several years before being hired as an Africa analyst by the Central Intelligence Agency, where she worked for nineteen years. She writes the substack A Zebra Without Stripes, and her most recent book is The Missionary Kids: Unmasking the Myths of White Evangelicalism. She lives in the Washington, DC, area with her husband, two kids, and delinquent rescue dog.