Universe Creator and Heaven Overlord, God, gave American Vice President JD Vance low odds of getting into heaven when asked about it recently on The Archangel Gabriel Show.
Gabriel and God discussed the Vice President’s recent appearance on an earthly podcast, where the host asked Vance how confident he was about getting into heaven “on a scale of 1 to 10.” Vance replied that he was at “a 7 or 8.”
“Well, first of all, just as a political matter, that’s a horrible answer,” God said. “As a Catholic, he needs to solidify his evangelical base, and this won’t satisfy them at all. The correct evangelical answer is, ‘I’m at a 10 because I have asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior, and now I can treat people like sh*t because Christ died for my sins.’ You don’t need a high-priced political consultant to tell you that.”
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God believed Vance’s answer was equally unlikely to satisfy his fellow Catholics. “They might get up to a 7 or 8 if you catch them the second they walk out of a confessional booth. By the time they get to their car, they’re sitting at about a 4.”
God surmised that Vance had tried and failed to split the difference to cover all his bases. God also bristled at Vance admitting he sometimes doubts God is real.
“Well, I always doubt JD Vance is real,” God said. “Seems like a phony from his eye makeup to his empty chest cavity. That guy would worship the moral equivalent of a sun-baked, road-killed, bleach-blonde raccoon if it got him power…OH WAIT HE DOES.”
“He’s also way off on his actual chances,” God continued. “I don’t want to be harsh, but let’s just say I hope he enjoys a tropical climate. He’s at a 1 or 2, factoring in the remote possibility of future repentance. I’m a God of grace, so gotta leave that door open.”
Gabriel asked God what Vance might do to improve his chances. “Hmmm, let’s see, that’s a complex question that requires a nuanced answer… STOP BEING A LYING, RACIST A**HOLE. Let’s start with that.”
“Honestly, the man needs Jesus. Like, for real, not the Swedish-model-looking dude obsessed with tax cuts and guns. That thing is AI.”
Holly Berkley Fletcher is an author, historian, and former intelligence analyst. She was raised in Kenya by evangelical missionary parents. She earned a PhD in American history and taught in universities for several years before being hired as an Africa analyst by the Central Intelligence Agency, where she worked for nineteen years. She writes the substack A Zebra Without Stripes, and her most recent book is The Missionary Kids: Unmasking the Myths of White Evangelicalism. She lives in the Washington, DC, area with her husband, two kids, and delinquent rescue dog.