The state of Tennessee has announced it will be retiring Dolly Parton’s children’s literacy programs out of respect for her passing. In a move akin to how professional sports leagues retire the jerseys of legends, Tennessee children are encouraged to stop reading so as to not tarnish the legacy of the country music icon.
“Dolly did so much to get children interested in reading,” Tennessee Governor Bill Lee stated. “It just wouldn’t feel right to continue her mission without her.”
One of Dolly’s most impactful ventures was the Imagination Library, which gifted a free book to children from birth to age five. Governor Lee reflected on the program, “What better place for The Imagination Library to continue on than in our imaginations?”
Governor Lee has already done excellent work in curbing children’s literacy, from making it easier to ban books in libraries to defunding public schools in favor of private religious charter schools. However, the Governor says his mission is far from over.
“Our main goal is to preserve Dolly’s legacy,” Governor Lee said as he stood in front of a pile of burning books. “We’ve already ordered schools to lower their reading rates to half mast.”
Many schoolchildren are doing their part to properly mourn Tennessee’s favorite daughter. “I was reading Harry Potter when my teacher told me I was being disrespectful,” 10-year-old Cooper recalled. “I hope Harry and Cedric made it out of that graveyard.”
Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn wants to take things a step further by only allowing children to read one singular book.
“When you think about it, every child should be learning to read from the Bible. It has every word a child should know. Salvation. Damnation. Zion. It’s all right there in the Testaments. Like, think about it. Really think about it for a second. Think about it. Think about it. Seriously think about it. Think. Think about it. Think with me for a second. Think with me. Think with me. Think like me for a second. Think like me. Just think like me. Don’t think, let me think. Let me do the thinking. Let me do your thinking.” She went on like this for fifteen minutes before being ushered away by staff.
Senator Bill Hagerty was also contacted for a statement, but was reportedly busy eating a box of crayons.
One critic of this endeavor, Tennessee native Lindsey Beaubinzie, had this to say: “This whole thing feels wrong and disrespectful. We should want kids to read. Reading is what opens their mind to new ideas and perspectives. It expands their vocabulary, deepens their worldview. We should be continuing Dolly’s legacy, not retiring it.”
Senator Blackburn responded to this critic by saying, “I’ll open your mind, loser,” before throwing a book at her.
“At the end of the day,” Governor Lee sighed as he tossed the last copy of And Tango Makes Three into an open pit. “People will remember Dolly how they want to. It’s my job as Governor to help them remember Dolly the way she should be remembered.”
When asked what he thought about Dolly’s staunch support of the LGBTQ+ community, Governor Lee pulled out a gun and told me to “get in the ******* pit.”
Los Angeles-based comedian and content creator, known for his work as the writer and host of Bad Faith News. Cole graduated with a BFA in Comedic Arts from Emerson College as part of the program’s inaugural class. He is still paying off that debt today. He is a member of the improv troupe “Rebrand”, alumni of the Native American Media Alliance TV Writers Fellowship, a finalist for the NBC Writers on the Verge Fellowship, and a team lead at his local coffee shop.