Since Vacation Bible School, I have pledged allegiance to the American Flag as well as the Christian Flag. Patriotism was instilled early on. And Brothers and Sisters, Christian Soldiers are marching onward in a new wave of American pride.
This means that salvation today includes a flag lapel pin and devotion to only one news channel. It’s not enough to “accept Jesus into your heart.” It’s now “accept this entire political platform into your spirit.” We are not ashamed of the Gospel, and we revel in the Constitution as well.
In a stunning reinterpretation, the Trinity is no longer just the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. It’s also Executive, Legislative and Judicial. Glory!
As America is being reclaimed as a Christian nation, non-Christian Americans are left wondering where they fit in. Do they really hate America? Why are they such heathens?
Yes, Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world,” but clearly, He just hadn’t seen a good campaign rally yet. Many churches are now eschewing the colors of the liturgical calendar and opting to drape their altars in red, white, and blue year ‘round. You can almost see the rocket’s red glare through the stained-glass windows. Hallelujah!
Conservative ministers are reimagining biblical stories in the context of all this nationalistic fervor. Surely the Sermon on the Mount included a section on tax policy and border security. And it’s now believed that the loaves and fishes were parceled out by party affiliation.
To the devoted, these changes are comforting, in a way. I mean, it’s much easier to pledge allegiance to a flag you can see than to a Savior who asks you to love your enemies and care for the poor, rather than mind your own sanctified business!
Yes, Jesus saves… but apparently now He also endorses.
And if you listen closely, right between Battle Hymn of the Republic and the Star-Spangled Banner, you may hear, “Render unto Caesar,” and feel justified. I just don’t think rendering your entire theology is a part of that.
God Bless America. Let us pray.
Sister Helen Holy is a member of the First Southern Fried Self-Satisfied Babatist Church. As a Babatist, it is her duty to point out how she is better than all others, whether it be based on religion, ethnicity, country of origin, or God forbid, sexual orientation. Her ministry of Satire touches all who hear her. She hopes to be touching YOU soon.