Brothers and sisters, I have just returned from a Sunday School Board conference where wondrous new lesson plans were presented that reflect love for God and Country. Because spiritual fervor is spreading across these United States, the Sunday School Board has chosen to move forward with an emphasis on the great favor shown to America by our Lord and Savior. There is still discussion about at what age these new prayerful concerns will be introduced through Christian education. It was suggested that, because the great state of Texas has the Ten Commandments in every classroom, we begin these new lesson plans with our first graders. Regardless, here are some highlights from the new Patriotic Christian Education Directive.
They began with acknowledging that God created the heavens and the earth. After that, attention was directed to the fact that, approximately 5,000 years later, He created America. Of course, God looked upon America and saw that it was good. He also looked upon Canada, Mexico, Europe, Africa, Asia and the rest of the world and said, “Whatever.”
Regarding New Testament scriptures, the Board homed in on their red-letter edition Bibles to such phrases as “Love your enemies.” A committee was formed to determine who qualifies as an enemy before finalizing lesson plans.
“Feed the hungry.” Another committee gathered to determine whether the hungry were sufficiently deserving.
“Welcome the stranger.” The Board amended the Sunday School lessons to specify that “stranger” means someone who already speaks English.
“Whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.” Everyone silently nodded. Then someone called the question: “Does that include people who don’t vote like us?” After a long silence, someone in the back finally moved that we should just stick to the Old Testament.
In the Old Testament, it was stressed that God occasionally ordered His people to conquer their enemies. Someone shouted Hallelujah. This concept will be spread over a month-long series on global power and war. A motion was then made to skip the parts about caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, defending widows and orphans, and not oppressing the stranger, as these topics would be too vague for the devoted.
After two days of these and other prayerful considerations, this newest doctrine of the Christian faith through Sunday School curriculum was announced as The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the Stars and Stripes.
Ending the conference, we all rose for the Pledge of Allegiance while a 300-voice choir joyfully sang GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Sister Helen Holy is a member of the First Southern Fried Self-Satisfied Babatist Church. As a Babatist, it is her duty to point out how she is better than all others, whether it be based on religion, ethnicity, country of origin, or God forbid, sexual orientation. Her ministry of Satire touches all who hear her. She hopes to be touching YOU soon.