A local Baptist church has issued formal guidelines for covered-dish socials. These regulations are in response to numerous infractions by well-meaning members and to concerns raised by dedicated women in the church. (Please note that these guidelines do not apply to food items prepared for congregants receiving funeral casseroles. Particulars about these gastronomic gifts do not need to be enforced during times of grief.)
All of the following concerns were presented to the deacons’ Committee on Committees and were voted on unanimously.
According to the guidelines, all food items brought into a fellowship hall must arrive to be served at the proper temperature. Congealed delicacies left too long in a hot car tend to lean toward the rancid, and cold soups have tested the faith of many.
To avoid prayer concerns from certain anointed gourmands, all dishes are to be made with the best possible brand names available, lest impressionable youth be steered clear of certain casseroles by protective mothers. For example, a new member once brought a large amount of chicken that was reported to have been fried in used grease.
Also mentioned in these new directives is a caution regarding the excessive use of chicken spaghetti dishes. The mixture of noodles and errant chicken bones has caused too many unpleasant tasting experiences. This is not to imply that traditional cooking should be avoided, as many people will not touch casseroles that cannot be described or recognized.
Beyond these recipe requirements, the church has expressed concern about food items brought directly from the grocery store and not cooked in good Christian homes. Therefore, should members choose to shortcut home cooking, it is requested that any pre-bought grocery items be transferred to a personal dish or Tupperware item rather than presented in grocery store packaging.
This leads to the final decree listed. Any dish arriving without an underside label identifying the cook will be kept in the church kitchen for future use by the congregation at large. Please be sure that masking tape with your name printed on it is added only after cooking, so that melted tape does not leave a lasting mark on Pyrex.
The church hopes that these directives will clear any future confrontations during fellowship gatherings. It has been determined that such squabbles are not in keeping with the spirit of Christ.
Paul J. Williams is a gifted comedian, actor and singer based in Dallas. As a comedian, he has appeared on countless cruises, multiple comedy clubs across the U.S. and on the MTV/LOGO Network comedy special, ONE NIGHT STAND UP. But, he is most well-known for his “altar ego”, Sister Helen Holy. As a classically trained tenor, Paul J. has performed with the New York Choral Artists, Orpheus Chamber Singers and Turtle Creek Chorale. As a hobby, Paul is a classic car buff and currently owns a 1970 Buick Riviera, which has won multiple awards.