Have you ever wondered what type of white Protestant you are? OK, probably not. But you probably already knew your love language and you took that quiz anyway.
- Are you more likely to reference
a) A Black theologian
b) Your one Black friend
- In which of these contexts are you more likely to use the word “just”?
a) We need an immigration system that is humane and just.
b) Father God, we just pray that you would just watch over our friend Carol. Just lay your healing hands on her, and just let her know that she is loved. We just love you so much, Jesus. Just Amen.
- Which of these things concerns you more?
a) A pedophile pastor
b) A female pastor
- Your pastor is more likely to be
a) A married lesbian with a nose ring
b) Secretly addicted to porn
- Your church’s idea of a mission trip is
a) A labyrinth-walking silent retreat in Arizona
b) Door-to-door evangelism in an African country that is 80% Christian
- Your church is more likely to kick someone out for
a) Murder
b) Extramarital sex
- Which of these is your pastor more likely to reference in a sermon?
a) Marginalized people
b) Sinners
- How does someone join your church?
a) If you accidentally stumble into the sanctuary on your way home from a drunken night out on the town, we will add you to our rolls immediately and permanently.
b) You must swear that you have never had extramarital sex while hooked up to a polygraph machine and agree to spank your children.
- What is a quiet time?
a) Not sure. A labyrinth-walking silent retreat in Arizona?
b) What all real Christians do every day for a couple of months after attending a revival.
- What is liturgy?
a) A foundational part of our communal worship.
b) What nominal Christians do on their way to hell.
- What do you believe about homosexuality?
a) Queer people are beloved by God and fully affirmed in our church, because who else would do all the work with all the feminists around here?
b) I’d love to meet for coffee and discuss it with you sometime.
- What do you believe about abortion?
a) It’s a complex moral issue that I’d rather not talk about.
b) It’s the only kind of murder that is worse than extramarital sex, because it usually results from extramarital sex. Ending it is why Jesus came.
- What do you believe about capitalism?
a) It is an evil, exploitative system in which I fully participate.
b) It is how God blesses people who tithe, and how God punishes lazy people.
- What do you believe about America?
a) It is an evil, exploitative empire in which I fully participate.
b) It is God’s chosen nation, the pinnacle of His plan for humanity, and the reason why Jesus came to earth, except when Democrats are in charge.
- What do you believe about God?
a) God is love.
b) God is love, but he will send your ass to hell without hesitation.
- Why do you believe Jesus came?
a) Jesus came to show us how to love.
b) Jesus came so that God could more easily determine who should go to hell. Also, America. And abortion.
- What do you believe about the end times?
a) It’ll all work out.
b) Israel, prophecy, the anti-Christ, rapture, 666, left behind, Armageddon, blood, lambs and lions, Jews, bread > bags of gold, thief in the night, America, dispensation, tribulation, war, hell, Satan, Jesus, trumpets. Kirk Cameron.
- What do you believe about the afterlife?
a) It’ll all work out.
b) The vast majority of human beings will burn in agonizing pain for eternity because they got the wording of their sinner’s prayer wrong. But let me tell you about the Good News of Jesus!
- What do you believe about the Bible?
a) A lot of it is weird, or so I hear.
b) It is the universal, eternal, infallible, and literal word of God, and all the wisdom we need for all time, even though it was written when folks thought the earth was the center of the universe and women were property.
- What’s the best thing about your religious tradition?
a) We aren’t annoying about it.
b) Absolute certainty we are right about everything.
Scoring:
Mostly “a” — You are a White Mainline Protestant. You aren’t completely sure about the virgin birth, but you know your church is built on traditional Chippewa Cree land.
Mostly “b” — You are a White Evangelical Protestant. You know your Bible well enough to quickly locate all the Republican verses and can determine with 99.9% certainty what someone’s eternal destination is within 5 minutes of meeting them.
Even split between the two — You are Catholic.
Holly Berkley Fletcher is an author, historian, and former intelligence analyst. She was raised in Kenya by evangelical missionary parents. She earned a PhD in American history and taught in universities for several years before being hired as an Africa analyst by the Central Intelligence Agency, where she worked for nineteen years. She writes the substack A Zebra Without Stripes, and her most recent book is The Missionary Kids: Unmasking the Myths of White Evangelicalism. She lives in the Washington, DC, area with her husband, two kids, and delinquent rescue dog.