Brothers and Sisters, I have been simply agog with spiritual prophecy lately since our President made the bold decision to bomb Iran. I mean, nothing says “Good News of the Gospel” quite like a fresh geopolitical crisis. And because this was done in conjunction with Brother Ben over in Israel, an added layer of end-times excitement has heightened these feelings.
Could it be that these are the beginnings of the prophesied Armageddon?
While biblical scholars differ on whether Armageddon is a real place, I prefer to seek for signs thereof. A cursory Google search revealed a Tehran business called Arma Gedoon’s dry cleaners. Could John on Patmos have been a little too strung out to have gotten the spelling exactly right? Who knows?
More importantly, I know my scripture well enough to understand that Armageddon will precede the Lord’s return to this earth.
Glory!
Jesus is coming………..look busy! (The downside of this prophecy will be the increased presence of Jehovah’s Witnesses on my porch, so I’m disconnecting my doorbell, but I digress.)
The parlor at our church, First Southern Fried Self Satisfied Babatist, has been turned into a veritable war room where prophecy charts have been dusted off, maps of the Middle East are being shown on YouTube livestreams, and Brother Clyde is circling cities with a red marker like he was coaching the Book of Revelation football team.
Our deacons have definitively said that this is the “big one”, much as they have seventeen times since 1979. (Remember when gas went to 4$/gallon??) Tensions have flared whenever everyone has tried to agree on which verse vaguely resembles a drone strike.
Look, I am fully aware of Jesus’ teaching that “nobody knows the day or the hour,” but I have a gut feeling certain it will be sometime before the next WMU convention or church covered-dish supper.
Speaking of which, I intend to stock up on canned goods. If the end times don’t arrive, at least there’ll still be chili night at the fellowship hall.
Amen?
Sister Helen Holy is a member of the First Southern Fried Self-Satisfied Babatist Church. As a Babatist, it is her duty to point out how she is better than all others, whether it be based on religion, ethnicity, country of origin, or God forbid, sexual orientation. Her ministry of Satire touches all who hear her. She hopes to be touching YOU soon.