In keeping with the Southern Baptist Convention’s fierce opposition to women pastors, a new version of the Bible has been created to support this belief by actively removing all women in Scripture.
It will, of course, open with Adam. Just Adam. A lonely man in a garden, naming animals and wondering why the giraffe gets a companion while he gets a landscaping assignment. There will be no Eve, because clearly the real original sin was co-authorship.
The Book of Ruth will be streamlined into The Book of That Nice Fellow Who Owned a Field. Esther will be rebranded as A Certain Persian King Has a Really Good Idea. Mary? Nowhere to be found. In this edition, the angel Gabriel appears to Joseph and says, “Congratulations, sir. You have single-handedly conceived a miracle.”
In the Gospels, Jesus will still perform wonders—feeding the five thousand, calming storms—but he will no longer speak to the woman at the well. Apparently, the well has been capped for doctrinal reasons. Mary and Martha will be replaced by “Two Hospitable Brothers Who Knew Their Place.” And when the Resurrection comes, it won’t be women discovering the empty tomb. No, in this version, Peter sets his alarm clock correctly and gets there first—because heaven forbid the first sermon be delivered by someone who also knows how to braid hair.
Paul’s letters will remain largely intact, though heavily highlighted. Entire passages about Phoebe, Junia, Priscilla, and other inconvenient coworkers will be gently footnoted as “probably a typo.” Romans 16 will be reduced to “Greet the guys.”
Of course, this streamlined Bible will be lighter to carry, having excised judges, prophets, business owners, queens, disciples, deacons, and the Mother of God. It will be a tidy volume, free from the burden of Deborah’s leadership, Hannah’s prayer, Lydia’s entrepreneurship, and the persistent, uncomfortable reality that God seems oddly fond of calling women.
In the end, though, one suspects that even this edited masterpiece would still contain a problem: the persistent voice of Jesus, who keeps doing radical things like honoring the faith of mothers, praising widows, and appearing first to those who were not supposed to be in charge.
And that’s the trouble with trying to publish a Bible without women in it. You eventually have to remove so much of the story that all that’s left is a table of contents and a very nervous editorial committee.
Because it turns out that from Genesis to Revelation, the Lord has been working through the “weaker vessel” with suspicious enthusiasm—and no amount of ecclesiastical white-out seems able to erase that ink.
Paul J. Williams is a gifted comedian, actor and singer based in Dallas. As a comedian, he has appeared on countless cruises, multiple comedy clubs across the U.S. and on the MTV/LOGO Network comedy special, ONE NIGHT STAND UP. But, he is most well-known for his “altar ego”, Sister Helen Holy. As a classically trained tenor, Paul J. has performed with the New York Choral Artists, Orpheus Chamber Singers and Turtle Creek Chorale. As a hobby, Paul is a classic car buff and currently owns a 1970 Buick Riviera, which has won multiple awards.