Global superstar The Anti-Christ has fired his publicists and is rethinking his entire public persona after most of his target audience failed to acknowledge his latest performance, which he considers his masterpiece.
The Anti-Christ’s decision comes in the midst of what he intended as a career-capping, millennia-in-the-making tour in which he fully reveals himself on the world’s largest stage, the highest echelons of humanity’s undisputed superpower, dominated by The Anti-Christ’s most serious devotees.
The lengthy buildup to the tour began even before the birth of The Anti-Christ’s inspiration, Jesus Christ, around the year 5 B.C., and featured multiple prophecies — including from Jesus himself — explicit signals from experts about his work, and multiple other appearances by The Anti-Christ over the centuries.
“I dropped so many Easter eggs…including literal eggs at inflated prices…This thing was supposed to be my Eras Tour,” The Anti-Christ said, referencing pop star Taylor Swift’s record-breaking concert series. “Except she only planned for a couple of years. Try 2,000, babe.”
Among the stunts in his latest performance art, The Anti-Christ has repatriated refugees to face almost certain death, psychologically tortured civil servants, covered up a sex trafficking ring, sexually assaulted multiple women, intentionally traumatized children, violently attempted to steal an election, pardoned hundreds of dangerous criminals, accepted billions in bribes, betrayed all his friends, empowered egomaniacal dictators, demonstrably lied at all times without shame, terrorized entire cities, enshrined overt racism in government policy, killed hundreds of thousands of people around the world, and, of course, covered everything in tacky gold paint.
“You left out a few things, but those are the hits,” he wrote back when asked to comment on this story.
But the piece de resistance—the genius, deeply ironic centerpiece of the entire performance—is that all of these acts are disguised as Christianity. To pull that off, The Anti-Christ has made liberal use of cross necklaces, out-of-context Bible verses, family values, praise songs, old white men with theology degrees and power, the young social media influencers they pay, the evangelism equivalent of the Dow Jones at 50,000, the actual Dow Jones at 50,000, support for missionaries in Africa, resounding gongs and clanging cymbals, references to a personal relationship with Jesus, fear of hell, biblical inerrancy, and other “correct” doctrine throughout the performance.
“I actually worried it was too obvious,” The Anti-Christ laments. “I mean, I cast the ugliest, stupidest, most vile actor I could find in the starring role. Art is supposed to be more subtle than that. But it turns out, none of it even mattered.”
Indeed, very few in The Anti-Christ’s audience appear to understand that a performance is underway, much less be able to identify who is behind it. “They just think it’s real life and strong faith, like this stuff just ‘happens,’” he huffs. “I feel like I’ve wasted thousands of years on these people.”
In the wake of this epic failure, The Anti-Christ plans to take some time off for “self-care” in the fiery pits of hell and to rethink his strategy. “Maybe next time, I’ll just wear a full devil suit and set shit on fire,” he says. “Juvenile? Formulaic? Yes. But that’s apparently what these folks require. Nuance, metaphor, allegory, irony, ambiguity–not exactly their strong suits.”
He has tried to cancel the remainder of the tour, but the performers have refused to cooperate, citing the rush of power, epic paydays from oblivious fans, and legal jeopardy from the show’s various stunts.
“I can’t quit now,” says the show’s star, Donald Trump. “This gig is giving me everything I’ve always wanted and is keeping me out of jail. I have audiences eating right out of my hand. Plus, me and that devil made a deal, the best deal the world has ever seen.”
Holly Berkley Fletcher is an author, historian, and former intelligence analyst. She was raised in Kenya by evangelical missionary parents. She earned a PhD in American history and taught in universities for several years before being hired as an Africa analyst by the Central Intelligence Agency, where she worked for nineteen years. She writes the substack A Zebra Without Stripes, and her most recent book is The Missionary Kids: Unmasking the Myths of White Evangelicalism. She lives in the Washington, DC, area with her husband, two kids, and delinquent rescue dog.