For twenty-five years, I attended a weekly luncheon of Baptist ministers in Western North Carolina. I was the only woman who attended faithfully. Ministers came and went, and we met at various restaurants, but through it all, a remnant remained.
People outside the region found it odd that a very conservative part of the state tolerated my presence, but that is what I have always loved about these mountains. The North Carolina motto, “To be, rather than to seem,” has long been a good rule of thumb in the region. This group was no different.
For one thing, men as a species have rarely intimidated me. I have never believed they were intrinsically more intelligent, wiser, or innately more powerful. Conversely, I have found them often fair, unsure of some things, and teachable.
However, I was not convinced they considered those truths to be self-evident. So, when the opportunity arose, I took it as my calling to enlighten them on some of these issues as they appeared.
As an observer, I believed there were areas of their ministry that could benefit from a woman’s perspective, though they did not always defer to me as a woman. I continued the quest. I am not sure how effective my efforts were, but they continued to include me in the conversations. As teachable moments arose, I tried to help.
School Is In Session
The first time I realized they were genuinely willing to be taught was when I had a hysterectomy. It was as if they had waited their entire ministries to have a woman they could ask about what was appropriate to say and do in such a situation. However, had they known the hormonal influx I was experiencing, they might have waited a few months.
Eventually, I said to the whole table, “My goodness, people, I will bring the World Book H for the article on the human body and show you the layered Mylar pages to give you an overview.”
Besides, no man ever hesitates to talk to me about his prostate procedure, as though I want to hear about that. Just be there.
Treat Them How You’d Tell a Woman
When two or more women are having a conflict, it is absolutely acceptable to let them work it out, but do not refer to it as a “catfight” or any other diminishing phrase.
I once served on a team planning a statewide event, representing the state in the process. At the first meeting, one pastor spoke longer than the others thought necessary, and several of them called the chairman to complain. The chairman then called me to ask whether I would uninvite the pastor from follow-up meetings.
“No, I will not do that,” I told him.
He asked, “What do you think I should do?”
I replied, “Just pretend the disagreement is between a group of women in your congregation and dismiss it as unimportant. This situation only seems to deserve your attention because it’s pastors who are upset.”
To his credit, he acknowledged the truth of the statement. Nothing more came of the issue.
Embrace Feelings
In Ferrol Sams’ book The Widow’s Mite, the widow calls her preacher “Pastor Whatever.” No matter what she says, if it is not a direct answer to his question, he responds with a dismissive wave and says, “Whatever.”
“Do you know that is how most women feel?” I would ask them. I am not sure they wanted to go down that path, but I told them anyway.
Additionally, if someone in your care tells you they had a spiritual insight from a Nicholas Sparks novel—or any literature you deem unworthy—do not roll your eyes, either externally or internally. God works in mysterious ways, and not always in yours.
Do not dismiss the importance of any statement that begins with “I feel” rather than “I think.” Feelings are real and stir many people’s spirits and souls. “How does that make you feel?” I would ask.
Work as Hard as Women Work
Also, take your turn clearing tables and refilling tea glasses during the church fundraiser. It will be the talk of the church for years.
If your concern in the current cultural moment is whether you should hug someone, be assured that the most compassionate expression of ministry is leaving people feeling heard, whether female or male.
The men who remain are still my friends. Whether these lessons changed anything, I do not know, but they seemed to receive my insights well. I think they understood I meant them no harm and usually left them laughing.
It is a good place to start.
Retired campus minister, campus ministry coordinator for the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship of North Carolina, and Collegiate Specialist for the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship.